I Hate Everyone
Today, I ventured out of my residence hole to hang out with my brother and watch Cougar Town. It was nice. I left a couple of hours earlier than I needed to, to give myself ample time for homework and relaxation. It was a good plan. Except, you know, that I was the one carrying it out.
For those of you who aren’t intimately familiar with my flaws, here is a quick rundown:
- I have no sense of direction. I make James May look like a homing pigeon.
- I am a massive idiot.
So I took Michael’s directions to the bus stop, and what’s more, I made it. I was very proud of myself. I waited until I saw a bus that looked promising. Billing’s Bridge, I thought. Yes, I’ve heard of that. It’s close to Carleton. I will go there. Forgetting, of course, that it was Sunday, and the 111 doesn’t continue to Carleton on weekends. That’s fine, I can see Dunton Tower from here. I’ll just walk towards it, said my brain, and I’m still deciding what its consequences will be.
Ottawa’s not that big. Neither is Dunton Tower. If I could see it, I was sure it couldn’t be that far away. So I started walking. And walking. And walking. Through muddy baseball fields and icy bike paths and sidewalks with St. Patrick’s people existing obnoxiously.
It was at this point that I started taking pictures of my progress. You know, in order to give myself something to do.
So I kept walking, thinking I was bound to come across a bridge sooner of later. People had to be on the other side of the river all the time, surely provisions had been made for this eventuality.
I bet you can guess where this is going. Another 15 minutes and I was ready to fucking swim across. Eventually, I did come across the bridge. The massive, high-way adjacent once. And behold! A bus stop! I could take off the backpack that OF COURSE I WAS WEARING and ride the bus the rest of the way! Thank goodness for OC Transpo! Bus 111 to Bil- oh, fuck it.
There was more walking, which I’m sure is as interesting to read about as it was to experience, so I’ll spare you. When I finally got the to sidewalk, an orange sign greeted me.
SIDE WALK CLOSED it said. I was so mad I forgot to take a picture.
Anyway, so I walked to the opposite side of the damn bridge, crossed over, and took the side walk back to Carleton. Dunton Tower was farther away than ever.
But finally, in the distance, I saw a sign. It said “Carleton.” Of course, I was on the wrong side of campus, but that was to be expected. The point was, there was no freaking river to keep me from my destination now.
MORE WALKING OCCURRED.
And then I made it to residence. Where I realised I didn’t have my student card. So I had to wait for someone to let me into my room (where, it should be noted, I still didn’t find my card).
Now I get to spend the next 7 hours serving pizza to drunk people on St. Patty’s Day night. Hooray.
In conclusion, kill all the humans.