100 things to do in 1000 days; #65/72: Watch all of Buffy.

(Angel review available here.)

It only took, like, four months, but I did it! Copious spoilers ahead. I seriously cannot stress that enough.

I belong to the younger outskirts of the Buffy generation, but I’d never really seen the show. I’d catch it in the background at a friend’s house or while channel surfing. I’d definitely seen enough to know I loved Giles, and that Buffy slayed vampires. In university, after watching “Once More With Feeling,” I decided to give the series a try, watching the first two seasons at my friend Alex’s house, but I didn’t make it all the way through.

Certain images stuck with me from that first viewing – Jenny and the skylight, Sunday and her lair (don’t ask me why), Faith unconscious on the truck, Vamp Willow, and Willow’s wave to Oz, Giles breaking into some place with an axe and a tiny fear demon, Willow’s veiny face in the woods (although that one I saw on TV by accident, years ago). Turns out I stopped watching mid season 4 (which is also, I think, when I stopped watching Six Feet Under, and when I pretend How I Met Your Mother and The Office ended, so…) And now I remember why. It was the episode after Oz left, and I just lost interest in the aftermath.

This time, however, I was going to make it all the way through. And, to be extra thorough, I was going to watch Angel episodes at the appropriately matched times. What follows is a review, of sorts, of both shows, assorted thoughts I thought while watching them, and favourite episodes and quotes for myself, for future reference. Since it’s so incredibly long, I’ve separated Buffy and Angel, and labeled each section.

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You know the short from the Incredibles? Jack Jack Attack. You know by the end, when the overworked and whelmed Kari answers the door to Syndrome and hilariously, maniacally introduces herself by yelling, “I’m Kari, the baby-sitter!” Well, when ever I say the title in my head, it’s always to the cadence of, “I’m Buffy, the vampire-slayer!” I just thought you should know.

Anyway, the show itself.

Seasonal Review

Season one is REALLY rough. The only episode I truly enjoyed was the finale, “Prophecy Girl”; the other ones I merely endured. I guess “Angel” was okay too, but it was probably better the first time around, when the twist was actually a surprise and not just, “Oh joy, more BOREanez.” Still, there were a couple of kick-ass moments that gave hope of things to come – hyena packs eating the principal, actual brain- and heart-removal from students, having there be no cure for the invisible girl, and so on.

Season two, on the other hand, is really good stuff, and everything involving Angelus was phenomenally effective. Although I did have some issues with the “pure happiness” of it all. I’ve heard a lot of people complain that Angel becoming evil after sex is a ham-fisted abstinence lesson, and/or that it’s offensive that “pure happiness” is equated with orgasm, and at first, as much as I have some issues with Whedon’s status as a feminist god, I didn’t think that was the case here. We see the transition happen after he’s been lying contentedly in bed with Buffy, not (excuse my frankness) mid-climax. However, Mutant Enemy then spends all of season three making sure that we know orgasm=pure happiness. So okay, fine. Whatever.

Despite this, about a third of the way through s2 until the end of s3 is probably the best stretch of Buffy, and s3 is probably my favourite season overall. The mayor was the best villain, I was excited to watch each new episode, and all the characters were at their most human(e) and likable. High school life wasn’t all that believable (though this was probably not helped by the fact that I started watching Freaks and Geeks at around the same time as beginning the Buffy project), but hey, nobody’s perfect.

The rest of the series is a little rougher. I actually liked season four okay (“Hush” is possibly my favourite episode of the entire show, maybe the Buffyverse, save for “Smile Time”), and found Riley boring (like so many of Buffy’s love interests) but bearable UNTIL the whole Adam thing happened. It only just barely made sense, it was incredibly ham-fisted, it was boring, and the storyline kicked into gear mid-season, which up until that point had usually been the time during a Buffy season where things get more exciting, not less. Also, while I find the meeting of science and the supernatural, fantasy and sci-fi, a fascinating topic, I think it was poorly explored here, especially considering the appearance of these weirdly all-powerful “chips.” But I’ll get to that later. As Noel Murray from the AV Club puts it, “I still love the idea of Adam and the idea of The Initiative. But for the most part I’ve been putting together a version of the show in my head where these ideas make more sense.” I mean, do the people involved with the s4 arc of Buffy have any idea where, or even what, the central nervous system actually is?

Season five was another mixed bag. I think it’s fair to say that I was coming into this Whedon-viewing extravaganza fairly unencumbered by outside bias, especially since I’ve never spent any time among the fandom. So I think it’s also fair to say that my opinion is not being clouded by others’ when I state that Dawn, after one episode, was almost enough to turn me off the damn show. And I stuck with it through Adam. And yes, the sibling bickering is fairly realistic, but isn’t Buffy, like, 20 at this point? She’s old enough to get the fuck over it. Dawn had her moments in later episodes, and there were times when I actively liked her, but when she was first introduced – gah. They did want people to enjoy watching the show, right?

Old favourites have also been given whatever irritation treatment Dawn underwent to give her such superpowers in annoyingnesss. Giles, for example. Has he regressed into Wesley? Just when I’m starting to not hate Wesley on that other show? I personally think the world would be fine with no old Wesleys, we don’t need one to take his place, thanks. And WHAT was the point in s5 making Riley not just bearable, but likable (thus proving that it was possible, so why didn’t they do it from the start?), only to immediately turn him into a dick (Who cares about your mom possibly dying? Why didn’t you think about MEEEEE?) with an inferiority complex and break them up? Oh, right. Functional relationships don’t make good television and no one gets to be happy. Sorry, I forgot.

Plus, the special effects in this season are weirdly AWFUL. (That snake with arms? Good grief.)

Season six was a slog. It also contains the first episode I out and out hated while I was watching it. Things like “Inca Mummy Girl,” “Beer Bad” and “Bad Eggs” get, well, a bad rap, but god “Wrecked” was terrible. Did ham-fisted even have a definition before “Wrecked” aired and gave it meaning?

Which leads to the problem I have (like so, so many) with the magic = addiction storyline. I suppose, if it were consistent with Sunnydale as we know it, it might not have been so obnoxious (the writing would still have had to be better, though). But how can the way we’ve seen magic used in seasons 1-5, for actual functioning spells, be reconciled with, basically, magical drugs? Equating the two conflates the character traits of hubris and abuse of power that had been built up in Willow over the last three years with a much more straightforward body-need trippy ecstacy scenario, and it doesn’t work for so so many reasons. The after school special episodes of Buffy were never the strongest (e.g. “Beer Bad”), and s6 was all after school special. It also had more of that problematic magic/technology interaction.

In s5, I mourned the loss of He Who We Knew As Giles, but in s6, I started to really miss Old Willow. I understand the need for character development and change, but, much like Rory Gilmore, these quiet nerds lost a huge part of what made them unique when they “evolved” into assertive, sexy, out-going, entitled brats.

Lots of people think Joss Whedon’s an ass for refusing to show a long term happy couple on his show, and for randomly and painfully killing popular characters, but I think one of the cruelest things he ever did to fans was to finally show Amber Benson in the opening credits (which fans had been clamoring for for ages) and then immediately kill her. I suppose you could say he did it because it would be her last chance to be in the credits, and it was a gift to her, but I bet you he did it just to make the death all that much more shocking and unexpected. Prick.

I knew going in that while season six had its defenders, season seven was pretty much unanimously considered terrible. Here’s what I wrote as I started watching: “I know season seven has an awful reputation, but the first episode was like a breath of fresh air, all the way back to [season] two again. Plus, it was cool to see all the villains appear again in Spike’s hallucination (or whatever it was). And now I’m up to episode five and still enjoying it.” Sigh, and it was going so well. After “Selfless,” it’s all whiny, boring, character-bastardized (GILES! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?), repetitive (how many stirring speeches can Buffy possibly make?) crap. If I’m feeling charitable, maybe I’ll extend the run of not-terrible to “Sleeper,” but latter half of the season was the worst run of Buffy, and a pain in the ass to get through. And Conversations With Dead People is way overrated.

Season seven also features the Britta of villains. God Caleb is talky. And at this point, I was thoroughly sick of all the misogyny on Buffy. Beating women into the ground and having men support them as they claw their way up is not “feminist” television I find enjoyable to watch. And don’t tell me it’s empowering to knock ’em down to watch them get back up. Not like this. This is just dreary torture porn disguised as empowerment. Seriously, I thought people were exaggerating about the awfulness of s7, but fuck it. It’s terrible.

Part of the problem with the later seasons is summed up in this quote from Ace at TWOP: “I fail to see the entertainment value in putting beloved characters through years of unrelieved misery.” Yes, growing up is hard. Yes, people get depressed. But it’s not all relentless agony, and we find new ways to have fun. And maybe this is why I haven’t been big on the dramas lately, but I don’t watch TV to observe a bunch of dead-eyed gloom monsters I used to like go through the motions of life. That’s not storytelling. There are ways to create drama other than misery, suffering, and despair (preferably relationship-related), or you’re just a one-trick pony. That, or a talentless hack.

Characters Notes

Favourite characters: Giles, Cordelia, Oz, early seasons Willow, Spike whenever he’s with Joyce, and Anya, but I am truly unable to tell if it’s her character, or my raging girl-crush on Emma Caufield (why isn’t she in anything anymore??). Anyway, in no particular order:

I always liked Willow, but her doormatty wallflower act pissed me off some, this time around. But then Oz showed up, and all was good (“I have my own fun.” Oh, Willow). I think Alyson Hannigan is a really good actor. Some people say she always plays the same character, and I disagree. I think she has a very unique style (and the baby voice), which stands out and makes her memorable, but, for example, Lily and Willow are not the same character at all.

Xander‘s doofery annoyed me, too, although I think I always disliked him. Or maybe I was just in a bad mood in general in 2012. For example, I remember finding Spike fabulously entertaining and a breath of fresh air, but this time around I felt like staking him from the beginning. Maybe it’s the fact that now that I know his accent is fake, it’s all I can hear. Having completed the series, looking back, he did have some fabulous lines and deliveries, but overall, I kind of hate his character. He was fun as a bad guy, but sleazy, gross, and annoying as love’s bitch.

Cordelia, however, will always make me laugh. I love her so much. I remember when I first started watching Buffy from the beginning, thinking that this stereotypical, bitchy mean girl was actually kind of hilarious and fun to watch. And then she turned into a real person, too, and it just kept getting better. Charisma Carpenter doesn’t get enough credit.

And Giles. Giles is my favourite. Sigh, older British guys. His fighting ability seems to wax and wane with the episode. I think it goes without saying that I like it better when he’s winning. (Side note: Am I the only one who thought Willow and Giles would have been cute together? Go nerd love!)

Funny, I only started actually liking Tara the episode she broke up with Willow. Probably because she finally developed a personality. And in “Older and Far Away, she turns AWESOME with her needling of Spike.

Regarding Glory: Oh, god, and I thought Adam was bad.

But you know who isn’t? Riley. Or at least, not until mid s5. He’s kind of a doof, but whatever, you put up with 7 seasons of Xander.

I had absolutely no patience for Faith in s3, but in later episodes, she’s actually quite sympathetic and enjoyable.

I take it I’m not the only one to have noticed that Anya is always blond when she’s with, or trying to be with Xander, and brunnette when she’s not?

Buffy was never a favourite, but I always liked her fine, even identified with her, especially during seasons 3-5 (and bits of 6). However, her “leadership” of the mini-slayers turns her into the most insufferable person on this show, and was at least 70% of what made s7 such a chore to watch. In later seasons, she comes down with what I like to call a major case of HP Book 5 Syndrome, which maybe isn’t fair, because I’m pretty sure the Vampire Slayer came first, but still. I buy her depression and emptiness and I think the show and actor do a good job portraying it, with all its false recoveries and everything, but that does not make it fun to watch (much like OotP is not all that fun to read. KILL THE UMBRIDGE KILL HER TO DEATH OH MY GOD.)

Now, let’s talk about Spike. Reading my notes, it was almost comical to see how wildly my feelings toward this character changed through the seasons. As I mentioned above, his accent and try-hard Bad Boy persona pissed me off originally, but some truly hilarious lines (“They don’t have a rock this big.”) slowly won me over. During s5, I even wrote: “I will say, with Spike, that I’ve never found creepy stalking so entertaining.” But then came s6.

I mean, seriously, how can anyone ever, ever be Buffy/Spike? He’s a pathetic, grovelling, whiny little sap who can’t take “not a chance in hell, and I’ve been there, buddy” for an answer. I mean, it’s entertaining as hell and Marsters is hot, but seriously. Their relationship is wrong and gross. Viewer/Marsters I can understand, but really, I can’t even get behind Viewer/Spike. I mean, he’s abusive to Harmony, he’s a giant stalker, he doesn’t know who he is if he’s not mooning after a woman, he’s a pathetic wannabee badboy, even as an undead hell beast. At least when he was evil you could revel sadistically in it, but post-chip? Post soul? The rape scene was the most horrible and uncomfortable thing I have ever seen on the show, and the fact that we watched Buffy in past episodes repeatedly say “no” while either being ignored or not meaning it just made it worse. The only thing Spike has going for him apart from a couple of good speeches is that he’s played by the very well-built, very charming Marsters, and that has absolutely nothing at all to do with the character. Like stalking and almost-rape are such great bases for relationships. And at my wedding, I definitely want the toast to end, “…and he finally wore her down.” So again, I stress – I am enjoying watching it (well, until “Seeing Red,”) but I do not understand anybody who seriously thinks “Spuffy” belong together. I do not get it.

A note on ‘shipping:

I have interesting shipping feelings from Buffy in that, for the most part, I don’t really care (generally, I like to get invested in the love lives of my TV characters). I feel like Buffy and Angel may as well be together, what with all the destiny, and actually caring about each other. Spike as a character is more entertaining (I initially refused to watch Angel because he bored me so. very. much.), and James Marsters is more attractive to me, although I don’t particularly care for either of them (although Spike did look damn good in his 70s punk gear). But, well, see above for how I feel about Spike and Buffy together, so by default and history, Buffy and Angel are the pair I’d root for, if I really cared all that much about Buffy’s love life. I guess the only couple I really cared enough to actually root for was Oz and Willow. Sigh. Oh, and Giles/Me. Obviously.

A note on some favourite episodes:

Favourite seasons (in terms of overall enjoyment): 3, 2, 5, first third of 7, 4, 1/6, last two thirds of 7

Favourite episodes: Angel, Prophecy Girl, pretty much all of s2 and s3, Surprise, Innocence, Becoming I/II, Band Candy, Dopplegangland, Earshot, Graduation Day I/II, Fear Itself, Pangs, Something Blue, Hush, A New Man, The Body, Life Serial, Once More With Feeling, Tabula Rasa, Selfless, Storyteller (Jane Espenson and Joss Whedon wrote an inordinate amount of these episodes.)

“Hush” is probably my favourite episode. I know, I’m so original. The music and creepiness gave me a very Doctor Who vibe. Also, it’s surprisingly hilarious, and I love everyone in it.

“A New Man” was okay, but Giles in demon makeup just isn’t as attractive to me as Giles in his regular human get up. What can I say, I’m shallow. I always love to watch him beating up Ethan, though, and it was nice to see the Scooby Gang remember how important he is to them (the scene when he finds out how Buffy knew it was him is one of the sweetest moments on the show; another is in “Hush,” when he greets her and Willow.)

“Once More With Feeling.” The first full episode of the show I ever saw. I can’t decide whether it ties with “Hush” as The Favourite, but it definitely is my most re-watched episode. At one point, I’m pretty sure I had the entire thing memorized. Standing makes me cry. So does Give Me Something to Sing About. I don’t particularly like the song – I don’t listen to it on my mp3 player or anything, but it’s incredibly affecting to watch, knowing what came before – the way SMG sings, or pleads, “please” – it just gets me, okay? This episode was also way better when watched in context (as much as I enjoyed it the first time). Dawn’s “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it,” sounded so awkward and out of place the first time; Anya’s bunny thing, it turns out, was not just a throwaway joke, and the Chumash tribe was an actual thing in an actual episode!

ASH, Marsters, Benson, and Caufield can sing really well. My favourite lyric is probably “The battle’s done and we kind of won, so let’s sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here?” I think at least part of the reason I like this episode so much is because it’s written for people who can’t necessarily sing particularly well, and so the songs are actually pretty easy to sing along to. I love singing along to my favourite musicals, but have you tried singing along with Les Mis? My vocal range is about 3 notes wide, okay?

For ONCE I actually agree with people who say the lack of polish is part of its charm, despite my OCD aversion to imperfections. It’s not a bombastic and slick professional musical; it’s people we’ve spent almost 6 years with (or 3 condensed months) putting on a show. It makes it feel smaller and more inclusive. I just love this episode. I understand people who think it’s overrated, but it’s my go-to rewatch episode any day.

“Selfless” was excellent (but we already know I adore Anya, so that’s not a surprise) – I loved the “Once More With Feeling” callback (her voice!), and having Xander’s lie to Buffy from s2 finally exposed.

Picking Some Nits

Continuity error! Continuity error!

Consistency and continuity are the two most important things to me in storytelling, and I think that may be one of the reasons I was never fully on board with Whedon. There were so many continuity questions by the end of the series that I stopped listing them, but now I kind of want to again, for completeness’s sake. For example (and in no particular order):

• Vampire’s don’t breathe. How can dunking Spike’s head under water bug him in any way, shape, or form? Oh, what horrible torture.
• Buffy died in s5, and no new slayer was activated. How come in s7 everyone goes on and on about a potential being activated when she died? It’s amazing how good with the troll logic and Xander lies call-backs they can be on the one hand, and how out of touch with basic sense and continuity they can be on the other.
• Does NO ONE remember that a vampire is actually a demon in a former human’s body? I can buy that a return of the soul effectively returns the vampire to his/her human self, but this point seems to be forgotten.
• I also wish they’d done a better job at establishing the way potentials were paired up with Watchers and trained. Kendra was separated from her family and trained specially even before she was “activated,” yet people like Buffy and Rona find out once their powers actually kick in/the world is ending. So…explain, please. And the earlier seasons weren’t free of this sort of thing, either. Medicine has been advanced enough for long enough that there could very easily have been other slayers who “died” but were then brought back to life, so why was two slayers such an utter shock for the counsel?
• Another obvious continuity problem: Spike proves that Tara’s not a demon by feeling pain when he punches her. Because it’s no longer about his brain and whether he THINKS something is a demon or not (as seen in other episodes), but the chip is now magic. ARGH.
• Sigh. So in the new implanted Dawn memories, Buffy was a slayer from childhood and Joyce always knew about it?
• Amy hexing Willow doesn’t at all explain how she knew about the potentials and who Kennedy was. Does anyone read through the scripts anymore? Just once?

Random Thoughts

• Willow’s happy little wave to Oz, and his subtle relief, in Dopplegangland is one of my favourite moments of the series. Even if it’s a little far-fetched that no one else wises up to what’s going on until she screams.
• Thank you AV Club for pointing this out: “The poster on Buffy’s door: chocolate. The poster on Riley’s: balls. Make of that what you will.” I noticed the Balls one (because…wtf), but putting the two together, naturally, made me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w24Xd8fVlTU&feature=related
• Looks like in S5, Xander finally grows up. And apparently, we shall never speak of him again, until he makes inexplicable alter-abandoning decisions in s6. “The Replacement” and “Into the Woods” are the most I’ve ever liked him.
• “Blood Ties” – YES! Seeing Spike paint his nails makes this whole season worth it no matter what happens. This whole episode is a showcase of many of Buffy (the show)’s strengths: we’ve got good family scenes, some real acting from Trachtenberg, continuity showing excellent planning throughout the season, and Spike being useful. If only we had some more quality Scooby interaction, we’d be golden.
• Dammit, Spike, stop it with the Monty Python references. I refuse to like you!
• Giles’ and Spike’s reactions to Joyce’s death I found especially touching. The musical call-back to Band Candy and the flowers. Spike’s relationship with Joyce was always enjoyable to watch.
• Dawn’s bearable, even fun, in the sidelines, but turns into an utterly horrible brat whenever she’s the focus of an episode.
• Intriguing concept of the death wish, in terms of needing the uncertainty to end. It’s nice to see your more twisted philosophies played out on the small screen. Other people get it, too!
• I really liked Katrina’s normalness and no-nonsense attitude. So naturally, she has to die in the most degrading way.
• I’m not really buying Jonathan’s turn from sweetly depressed bestower of “Class Protector” award on Buffy to supervillain wannabee. Also, within the span of ONE episode he goes from “we can’t hurt her – she fights evil and saved my life” to “let’s find out her weaknesses and destroy her” with absolutely no explanation. The latter seems to be the inconsistency, though, because he’s back to basically good and out of his depth for the rest of the season.
• The way Anya and Halfrek speak makes me think of classic movie actresses.
• WHAT is happening to Giles? I was so excited that he would be in more episodes this season, and then he comes back as this dour, grouchy, uptight pain in the ass. Buffy’s been a bitch for most of this s7, but she’s not wrong that THIS Giles has nothing more to teach her.
• This is just the Buffy and Spike show, and while I think it’s interesting and daring that they’re willing to go so far into his mommy issues, the fact that we as the audience seem to be asked to forgive or forget it is incredibly disturbing. It’s also hard to tell what’s purposeful when everything seems so clumsy – has been re-ensouled taken some of the fun out of killing, or is he still willing to murder Faith just because Buffy is (for once) unjustly pissed at her? Which is it?
• I will never forgive the weaselly sheep Andrew for killing Jonathan. Storyteller was a nice try, and there are moments I can enjoy him, but no.
• NOOOOO, not Anya and Amanda! Ugh, why couldn’t Kennedy have died instead? AND MORN HARDER PEOPLE. GOD.
• http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/buffy-the-vampire-slayer/chosen.php?page=15 A pretty good overview on the finale’s use of Slayer abilities as a metaphor.
• “She didn’t get a big, maudlin send-off, it was very quick and to the point – very Anya in that respect.” – that’s a nice way to look at it.
• The most pleasantly creepy thing in Buffy is the gentlemen.
• The most disturbing as fuck thing in Buffy is Anya slashing her face in “After Death.” S6 had a lot of creepy imagery.

For most long-running shows, I like to pick a sort of retrospective end-point. For example, the last few terrible seasons of How I Met Your Mother have driven me to declare the end of season four as the show’s REAL ending, and while I continue to watch this alternate reality version of what could have become of characters I once loved, I don’t consider new episodes part of my show anymore. Friends ended after Monica and Chandler’s wedding. And Buffy ended at the end of season three.  Willow with Oz, the high school chapter is complete, Spike hasn’t been emasculated, etc. And because this is my own personal lunacy, I also get to decide what bits and pieces from later seasons probably occurred in the “real” reality I made up. For example, the sexless inkeeper still happened in HIMYM. “Once More With Feeling” somehow still happened in Buffy, as did all of Anya’s existence (I’m sorry, I just love her. Her and Cordelia. My huge love for them doesn’t make sense, but it exists). But most of the rest of the episodes don’t exist, thanks. I suspect Community will have DonnaEnded after season three as well, but that’s just because I have no faith in anything. And I flatly refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Buffy comic books, because of a certain character death that NEVER HAPPENED.

Random Quotes

Cordelia: “What is your childhood trauma?!”

Cordelia: “Buffy. You’re really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren’t you?”
Buffy: “As defending champion, you nervous?”
Cordelia: [scoffs] “I can hold my own. You know, we’ve never really been close which is good cause I don’t really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I’m going to give you a piece of advice.”
Buffy: “Which is?”
Cordelia: “Get over it.”
Buffy: “Excuse me?”
Cordelia: “Whatever is causing the Joan Collins ‘tude? Deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. ‘Cause pretty soon you’re not even gonna have the loser friends you’ve got now.

Cordelia: “I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious … again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you’re gonna wake up in a coma.”
Giles: “Wake up in a c… ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.”
Cordelia: “Now, let’s be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.”

Buffy: “I didn’t jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.”

Buffy: “We’re not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”

Buffy: “Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my MOTHER.”

Buffy: “When Giles sends me on a mission, he always says ‘please.’ And afterwards, I get a cookie.” SMG is really, really underrated you guys. She made me cry several times. And she killed it as Faith, I was really impressed.

Buffy: “Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I’ve got it covered from A to Z — from ‘axe’ to… ‘zee other axe’.”

Buffy: “Didn’t anyone come here just to make out? Oh, that’s sweet. You run.”

Buffy: “Hey… how’ve you been?”
Amy: “Rat. You?”
Buffy: “Dead.”
Amy: “Oh.”

Buffy: “Oh, Dawn—”
Dawn: “I know! You never know what’s coming, the stake is not the power, To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away!” If only Dawn was always like that…

Holden: “Oh my God!”
Buffy: “Oh, your God what?”
Holden: “Oh, well, not my God. Because I defy him and all of his works.”

Buffy: “I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don’t see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.”

Buffy: “Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other.You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world-is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.”

Buffybot: “That’ll put the marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo.”

Buffybot: “If you want her to be exactly she’ll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she’s gone who?” I liked the Buffybot.

Xander: “I laugh in the face of danger. And then I hide until it goes away.”

Spike: “Oh, balls! You didn’t say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas’nik!”
Xander: “‘Cause I can’t say Glarba…”

Oz: “Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.”

Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.

Oz: On the plus side you’ve killed the bench, which was looking shifty.

Oz: “So, I’m wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, ‘Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!’ And you know the monkey’s just,’I mock you with my monkey pants!'”

Buffy: “Stop! You’re saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he’s manipulating the world and we’re all, like, his pawns.”
Anya: “Or prawns.”

Anya: “But I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she’s— there’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead… anymore! It’s stupid! It’s mortal and stupid! And… and Xander’s crying and not talking, and… and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she’ll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.”

Buffy: “Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.”
Anya: [anguished] “Oooh, puppy!” I knew there was a reason I liked Anya

Anya: “It’s not like I’m snooping around for proof that you’re some sort of whacked-out serial killer. I don’t know why I said that. Forget I said that. It’s craziness talking, it’s just nerves. Nerves. Nerves and horniness. Oh, just shut up, William, and take me. Take me now.”

Principal Snyder: “There are no dead students here. This week.”

Principal Snyder: “My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for that touchy- feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You’re in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.”

Principal Snyder: “That’s the kind of wooly: headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.”

Principal Snyder: “You… all of you… Why couldn’t you be dealing drugs like normal people?”

Principal Snyder: “It’s worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath, an airborne toxic event.”

Principal Snyder: “One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere…like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.”

Principal Snyder: “A lot of educators tell students, ‘Think of your principal as your pal.’ I say, think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.”

Principal Snyder: “Summers!! You drive like a spaz.” Possibly the best thing I have ever heard.

Principal Snyder: “Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate.”

Spike: “It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.”

Spike: “You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, ‘Get the hell away from my daughter!’?”

Spike (to demon!Giles), in the world’s most hilarious sympathetic drawl: “Hooww you feeling, mate?”

Spike: “Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he doesn’t chase the other puppies anymore.”

Spike: “You made a bear! Undo it! Undo it!” HAAAAAAAAAA

Spike: “And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater hats?” I didn’t realise Spike gave Jayne’s mom the pattern for her cunning hat!

Angelus: “It lacks. . .poetry.”
Spike: “Doesn’t have to. What rhymes with ‘lungs?'”

Willow: “I have my own fun.”

Willow: “I haven’t been a nerd for a very long time.” Hey, Willow, there’s nothing wrong with being a nerd. Own it, live it, love it.

Willow: [describing Anya] “1000-year old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit-phobia.”

Willow: “I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! Okay?”

Giles: “For god’s sake, man, she’s 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about.”

Giles: “Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.”

Xander: “Am I right, Giles?”
Giles: “I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.”

Jonathan: “We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it’s no secret that Sunnydale High isn’t really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here. But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the Class of ’99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. It’s from all of us, and it has written here: Buffy Summers – Class Protector.”

Jonathan: “Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.”

Warren: “We’re your arch-nemesises…ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time… um… uh, next time…”
Jonathan: “Maybe not!”

Andrew: “It eats you, starting with your bottom.”

M’Fashnik: “You can’t pay me with paper, tiny king.”

Dracula: “You are strange and off-putting.”

Young Woman Vampire: “Is that all I was to you, a one-bite stand?” Quoting this only because – for six years you resisted.